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It goes without saying that any time a man hears something isn't
right about him, he reads it as attack and criticism. The best way
to resolve this is to do something yourself and have your husband
follow suit. Eat mints and when while kissing slip one into his
mouth a la high school. Tell him your friend said her husband went
down on her right after he had brushed his teeth with Minto-Minty
toothpaste and she loved it. Any mentholated toothpaste will do.
That is the more subtle method of a man doing the Altoid thing.
Not only will you get the sensation, but he'll have a fresh
mouth. Then again, what is he eating? Garlic or strong-flavored
foods? If your husband is dieting, he may have nasty ketone breath.
 My
husband thinks I talk too much during sex. Is there anything wrong
with that?
Ask
yourself these questions to help determine the answers you need:
--Have you been instructing him constantly? You may
have developed sexual traffic cop tendencies. If you're telling
him what you liked from the past, please don't.
--Are you saying that he's doing it wrong? Again your
husband probably hears those comments as criticism, not as the direction
you think you're giving. The best place to have a conversation about
what works best for both of you is outside of the bedroom.
--Is it possible your husband is shy or uncomfortable
about some of the things you are saying?
--Could distractions be the problem? Your husband
may be a I-need-to-be-focused-on-the-moment kind of guy.
--Have you said someone else's name? If so, that speaks
to other issues.
My
wife is going through menopause.
How will this affect our sex life?
For some women, even the beginning, perimenopause, is a nightmare.
If you have a good sex life now, you may have to make adjustments.
Your wife may have a reduction in self-lubrication and a thinning
of the vaginal walls. Keeping her comfortable is very important.
If having intercourse hurts, she won't be as enthusiastic about
doing it. Often a woman's regular cycles are a reassuring monthly
reminder of her womanhood, and when her periods end, she may no
longer feel as feminine. Your attraction for her may seem obvious
to you, but your wife still wants to know you find her appealing.
A drop-off in libido is common during menopause. Some women have
responded well to prescriptions of testosterone cream topically
applied to the clitoris. However, if a woman has had a radical hysterectomy
and all tissue from the cuff of the vagina at the neck of the cervix
and below has been removed including the cervix, often there isn't
the same intensity of orgasm since all the nerves have been cut
in that area.
I
have never had an orgasm
at the same time as my husband. He thinks there is something wrong
with me. Is there?
No, there isn't anything wrong with you. Period. And I suggest your
husband's reaction isn't wrong given that he has had inaccurate
information, likely from watching porn films or from women who faked
their orgasms (assuming he's had sex with more than one woman).
Some people do have simultaneous orgasms, and that's great. However,
it invariably only occurs after partners have known one another
for a period of time and are very tuned to one another's bodies.
Yet for the majority of folks having sex, simultaneous orgasm rarely
or never happens. So please do not be held hostage by having to
live up to someone else's sexual experience. Let your own be valid.
I've
been married to my wife for 11 years and sex is good but completely
predictable. How can we break this pattern?
First thing, please know that you are not alone. Given the pressures
of work, time constraints, family and life in general, couples
often start to take the intimate part of their relationship for
granted. When you were dating or first together, you didn't take
for granted that you would have sex. You did everything you could
to ensure that it could happen, and those are the factors invariably
swept under the rug of day-to-day relationships. Men have the attitude
that sex will be available. However, women don't want to feel that
that sex is something that's just available. They want to feel special
and be romanced. If a man does not seduce his partner's mind, it
is unlikely he will be able to seduce her body.
Now that does not mean a fullscale Romeo and Juliet scene. The
most effective way to have a woman be horizontal with you is to
pay her the type of attention she likes. If that means picking up
the dry cleaning, do it. Making your partner feel appreciated and
acknowledged is the most powerful form of foreplay.
Here are some other tips:
Make your intimacy a priority.
Be creative. You might consider having a standing midweek date.
A couple I know has a standing Wednesday night date and often it
is just the two of them disappearing to her office for raw sex.
She then smiles mentally when she walks by her couch on other nights
when she works late hours. Why Wednesday? It's easier to get babysitters,
and at the end of the week she is just too tired.
My husband wants to have sex after we fight.
I sometimes think he picks fights as a part of foreplay. I feel
confused and disturbed by this kind of sex. What should I do?
Men have different reactions than women do to volatile, personally
confronting events. Here is part of the answer to the confusion.
As an example, guys can go tooth and nail in the boardroom and then
go for drinks afterwards. Women don't operate the same way. He goes
through it and then he's done. Likely you are emotionally hurt and
spent and the LAST thing you want is sex, least of all with HIM,
the one who just stung you emotionally. He has overlooked a critical
issue for women and sex--that unless he seduces your mind, he is
not going to be able to seduce your body.
Solution: Let him know nothing will happen when you are in that
frame of mind.
More Q&A's From Lou
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