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Chances are if you haven't contracted it yet, you are either very
careful or you're already infected and just haven't manifested any
symptoms. Why do I say this? Someone with herpes can be extremely
vigilant about outbreaks and episodes and also be actively shedding
the virus (that means infectious) one to two days a month with no
outbreak, ulcer, sore whatsoever. That is one of the reasons there
are over 45 million Americans who have genital herpes. Another reason
herpes has become so widespread is that often someone may have the
virus without knowing it and then unwittingly pass it to another
partner. And we will leave those who know and don't tell their partners
to their own sexual karma.
I'd like to know how often your girlfriend has outbreaks and when
was her last one? If it's been years since she had an outbreak,
her immune system may have the virus under control and have, in
essence, rendered it useless. Also, does she take suppressive anti-viral
therapy? Acyclovir, famciclovir or valcyclovir? As an ongoing form
of treatment, suppressive therapy has worked well for many people
who do not want to experience outbreaks at all. The down side of
that is the cost.
Now for you and your lady, I am going to play devil's advocate
for a moment. There is a possibility you're already infected and
don't know it. You can have a Western blot blood test done to determine
if you have antibodies to genital herpes. If you test positive,
you have been exposed and technically you, too, have genital herpes
even though you haven't manifested any symptoms. Most Americans
test positive for oral herpes (cold sores), so when asking for the
Western blot specify that you want to be tested for both. Sometimes
a lab will return results for oral herpes, not genital. Be very
clear about your request.
If you're negative, nothing can assure that you'll stay that way
if you continue to have sex, and I am assuming that you're having
unprotected sex on occasions. Also, be aware that condoms won't
protect you from herpes. Why? A genital herpes outbreak can manifest
on the foot, back, or thigh not to mention any area of the genitals
not covered by a condom. Also, if you're having a bout of oral herpes
or cold sores, DO NOT go down on or kiss your partner!! You can
be transmitting oral herpes genitally by doing so.
Relative to your long-term plans of marriage and possibly children,
if you were positive and your girlfriend was negative, she and a
baby in utero would be at a far greater risk than you are now. Why?
Because if she were negative (seronegative for genital herpes) and
became infected (became seropositive) during the late stages of
pregnancy, her body would mount a huge immune response to becoming
infected, which could be very injurious to her and the baby.
And if your girlfriend told you from the get-go she had herpes,
isn't the character trait of honesty what you'd want in a partner?
To be 100 percent sure you'll avoid infection, no sex. Likely not
a viable option.
 My
husband recently has been spending a lot of time on the Internet
checking out porn sites. Sometimes he'll turn to me for sex and
other times he'll just stay online into the wee hours of the morning.
I think he's addicted to it. I've tried to get him to therapy, but
he refuses. What do you suggest?
In
order to answer this I'd need to know your husband's actual motivation
for seeking out porn and how long he's been doing this. Does he
want to see what he's missing? Or maybe he wants more fantasy ideas,
so he doesn't feel he is stuck with the same old sex every time.
Now as I am not a therapist and am at arms' length to what's going
on, I have to assume your husband is still interested in you sexually.
It's important to know whether he's just viewing porn sites or involved
online with someone else. Yes, this activity can be addicting in
the same way any addiction interrupts your life from normal productive
functioning. Some men become bored with the constant lure of the
sites and slow down to occasional visits, which is why I asked how
long your husband has been doing this.
More Q&A's From Lou
July 31,
2000
Unconsummated marriage
Boyfriend watches
porn
The erogenous zones
June 19,
2000
Husband has bad breath
Talking too much during
sex
Sex and menopause
Simultaneous orgasms
Predictable sex
Fighting after sex
May 22, 2000
Where is G-spot
Different orgasms
for women
Sex after baby
Sex with someone who
won't reveal sexual history
Myth of 6000 positions
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