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From what you wrote, it sounds like up to this point his trustworthiness
hasn't been an issue. First, be clear about what you consider violations
of faithfulness and trust in the relationship. Is kissing a woman
on the cheek okay? Is kissing her on the mouth not okay? Is having
dinner alone with a woman okay? Is flirting okay? Sometimes couples
have assumptions rather than clear agreements about what the boundaries
are.
Some people become a little wiggy after getting married. They start
acting more like a parent than a spouse and expect their partner
to act a specific way. Or they just find that certain issues are
activated (like commitment or monogamy). We knew a couple with whom
this happened and it started to cause big problems in their relationship.
They had to acknowledge the problem and then go back to what had
worked for them when they were living together before they got married.
The bottom line is: talk to your husband about what he is doing
that bothers you and figure out what is going on without making
accusations or jumping to any conclusions, and then go from there
 We
just came back from our honeymoon to a pile of bills from our large
wedding celebration. Our parents had agreed to share the cost of
the reception. My mom and dad gave us a check for their portion
prior to the wedding while his parents have yet to pay. My husband
prefers to say nothing to his parents and let them settle the bills
when they're ready, but I say fair is fair. We've paid what we could
and still came up quite short. What can you suggest to settle the
situation without ruffling too many feathers?
Yow! Be careful. We've watched enough television (and real life)
soap operas to know that this situation has the potential to become
a long-standing problem between you and your in-laws and you and
your husband.
If you don't speak up, you'll be resentful. However, if you say
something, your husband or your in-laws could get bent out of shape.
We suggest you and your husband get together and carefully write
a joint letter to your in-laws so that you can include both your
concerns, including your worries about running up your credit card
bills or draining your bank account and his concern that you not
put them off or seem impolite.
Perhaps before you write anything, your husband can coach you
about how his family does or doesn't deal with money matters and
the best way to approach them. It's a good idea to understand your
in-laws' perspective in the matter, rather than assume bad intentions.
Were they aware of the amount of expenses they would be responsible
for before they agreed? Perhaps the amount was a shock or they are
stretched and embarrassed about not having it? Is there anything
else they might be upset or uncomfortable about? Try to acknowledge
that possibility in the letter and invite them to clear it up with
you so the money issue can be resolved.
My
wife is a terrible cook but she insists on making all the family
meals. I have suggested that we hire someone to help cook or that
she take cooking classes, but she has refused. What else can I do?
Your
wife may cook the food, but you don't have to eat it. We are a little
puzzled by her refusal to compromise and would be curious to hear
her take on the matter.
Short of us being able to hear more from her, we suggest a compromise.
For example, you could alternate meal responsibilities. On your
nights, you can get take-out or make something for yourself (and
perhaps for the kids). On her nights, either put up with your wife's
cooking ormake your own meals. If she won't go along with a compromise,
which your letter implies, then you still don't have to eat what
she prepares. Regardless of whether you cook or bring food in for
yourself and the children, you can still eat together as a family..
We live in Santa Fe, the capital of funky individualized diets (the
Zone, vegan, allergy-free, macrobiotic, blood-type, etc.). It is
not unusual for every person at a table to eat something different.
More Q&A's From Bill & Steffanie
June 19,2000
Girlfriend masturbates in bathroom
In love with him but what about his children?
Lover won't talk about his feelings
June 5,2000
Wife lies about spending
money
Workalcoholic girlfriend
Boyfriend not initiating
sex
Boyfriend's ex emails
him
Empty nest
Wife never finishes
projects
May 22,2000
Controlling money
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Empty nest
Fighting in public
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