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 Yow!
Be careful. We've watched enough television (and real life) soap
operas to know that this situation has the potential to become a
long-standing problem between you and your in-laws and you and your
husband. If you don't speak up, you'll be resentful. However, if you
say something, your husband or your in-laws could get bent out of
shape. We suggest you and your husband get together and carefully
write a joint letter to your in-laws so that you can include both
your concerns, including your worries about running up your credit
card bills or draining your bank account and his concern that you
not put them off or seem impolite. Perhaps before you write
anything, your husband can coach you about how his family does or
doesn't deal with money matters and the best way to approach them.
It's a good idea to understand your in-laws' perspective in the
matter, rather than assume bad intentions. Were they aware of the
amount of expenses they would be responsible for before they agreed?
Perhaps the amount was a shock or they are stretched and embarrassed
about not having it? Is there anything else they might be upset or
uncomfortable about? Try to acknowledge that possibility in the
letter and invite them to clear it up with you so the money issue
can be resolved.
 My
wife lies to me about spending money. She spends an inordinate
amount of money and then pretends that she hasn't. What can I do
that will convince her to stop the spending?
We
suggest the two of you sit down with a neutral third party you both
respect and go through the bills. That may help at least inject some
neutrality and accountability into the situation. Then ask your wife
for specific changes in her spending behavior. Write down your
agreements and follow up regularly (say monthly) with that third
party. Please make sure that your wife does not suffer from bi-polar
(manic-depressive) disorder. This is a psychiatric condition that is
characterized by excessive highs and lows in mood and a variety of
other symptoms, one of which is wild spending during the manic
(high) phases. Medication can make a big difference for some who
suffer from this condition. If your wife ultimately doesn't follow
through on your agreements about money, you may consider legally
separating your finances (talk to a lawyer about the best way to
accomplish this) until she finds a way to curb her reckless
spending.
My
wife is a terrible cook but she insists on making all the family
meals. I have suggested that we hire someone to help cook or that
she take cooking classes, but she has refused. What else can I do?
The
issue of appropriate boundaries for in-laws is a tough one,
especially during the early stages of marriage when a couple is
establishing their own identity. It is important for your
mother-in-law to learn that "checking on how you're doing"
cannot include invading your privacy. Before you take action, make
sure you aren't using her misbehavior as an excuse to punish her for
other reasons. Next, have a good talk with your husband about this.
You do need to set limits, but the two of you should agree on the
boundaries before you present them to his mother. Once you've
decided what you're both comfortable with, have a frank talk with
your mother-in-law . It would be best if you and your husband sit
shoulder-to-shoulder across the table from her and that he take the
initiative in clarifying the limits with his own mother. Be
respectful as you set your boundaries. You don't have to be harsh. I
would suggest language something like this: "Mom, we really
appreciate your interest in our welfare. At the same time, when you
go through our mail and look in our refrigerator we feel like our
privacy is being invaded. Would you mind not doing that any
more?" An honest and respectful approach such as this will
probably keep the family peace and maintain your need for privacy.
But even if it doesn't, peace should not come at any price. Your
mother-in-law may be offended, and you may have to decide whether to
invite her into your home under the conditions she seems to require.
Every
day my girlfriend locks herself in the bathroom and takes a long
bath. I think she's masturbating. We rarely have sex and I'm actually
getting jealous. She seems to prefer the bath to me. Is this normal?
Try talking to your girlfriend before you jump to conclusions. You
have lots of ideas but little information. A good conversation could
clear up your questions about what she is doing in the bathroom
and about the lack of sex in your relationship. Once you've spoken
to your girlfriend, write us again because there's just too little
to go on right now. There could be several reasons she's behind
closed doors. She simply could be taking
a bath. Maybe she likes to masturbate alone. It's possible she's
sexually inhibited, or any number of things. We can better advise
you when we have more details.
I
have fallen in love with a man who has full custody of his three
young children. Our relationship is healthy and independent of the
children but the reality is that they are part of the package too.
How can I decide if I'm ready to take this on?
This is tough. The statistics on stepparenting
and second marriages are discouraging. Certainly you should try
to spend time with your friend and his children and assess how things
go. Are you comfortable with his parenting style and can you both
communicate about the child-rearing issues? We also suggest that
you form a relationship with each kid individually and see how it
develops.
We have seen these relationships shift, sometimes unexpectedly,
over time. We have known stepparents who had great interaction with
their potential stepchildren early on only to have the relationship
go south later, and vice versa. There are so many factors involved,
such as age, ex-spouses, extended family, peers, and other life
events, that the course of these relationships are difficult to
predict. So get as much information and experience as you can and
then go into it with eyes wide open, knowing there are no guarantees.
I
am engaged to a man who is perfect in so many ways. He's a lawyer
and his long list of good qualities include intelligence, a good
sense of humor and compassion. We have great sex but it bothers
me that he never talks about his feelings. How do I know I'm not
being a nudge? Is this a "chick" thing?
First,
figure out why you want to know about his feelings. If you are happy
with things the way they are, we suggest leaving it well enough
alone. But if you want to hear his feelings because it will deepen
the relationship, then we have several suggestions. First, we'd
catch him doing something right and reinforce that. If he expresses
a feeling or comes close to it, quickly reinforce his action by
acknowledging it and by telling or showing him that you appreciate
it. If you need to jumpstart the process because he is not very
good at expressing his feelings, be very specific about what you
mean. What specifically does expressing feelings sound like for
you? Additionally, be clear what response from you might increase
or decrease his sharing. For some men, it is easier to talk if there
is less direct eye contact or they are engaged in something else
like taking a walk or a drive.
More Q&A's From Bill &
Steffanie
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