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What are the consequences if your husband doesn't do his chores?
It's fine to divvy things up, but it probably won't make any difference,
unless he pays a price for not following through on his commitments.
If he is sincere in his desire to do his part, but just finds himself
sliding out of it, you'll need to agree on some consequences that
remind him to put his chores higher in his consciousness. For example,
if your husband fails to do any of his chores in a particular week,
he agrees to visit your family, do 20 sit-ups, clean the oven, etc.,
on Sunday before he does anything he'd prefer to do that day. This
is not to "punish" him, but to help make following through
more important and memorable to him.
Also, nature abhors a vacuum. If you do not step in when you see
something undone, perhaps your husband will eventually notice and
take action. Stop doing his laundry forawhile and eventually he
might realize it needs to be done and take action. And if you stop
buying his favorite treats at the grocery store, your husband may
be motivated to do some shopping and then you can give him a list
of things you need while he is at the store.
 Lately
my wife has really been making me angry. She talks on the phone
for hours at a time, long distance. I have tried to be gentle about
it but it just seems to get worse. How can I get her to put down
the phone without hitting the roof?
What's so upsetting about your wife's phone usage--her time away
from you, the expense or who she's talking to? What would you like
her to be doing instead of talking on the phone?
When you speak with her, be specific about your concerns and work
together to find mutually agreeable solutions. For example, if your
upset is about the money: you might figure out how much time you
both can afford for her to spend on long-distance calls and buy
an inexpensive timed phone card for her weekly or monthly usage.
When the phone card runs out, so do her calls. If you are upset
about the time your wife spends on the phone away from you, you
might ask her to time her calls and spend the same amount of time
with you within the next day or two
My
wife was recently arrested for shoplifting. It was not the first
time I had to post bail for her. This is not only a strain on our
financial life but a strain on our marriage and on our children.
How can I begin to sort this out?
Your wife needs help. Get her into some psychotherapy. If she does
not agree to getting therapy, first get your family, friends and
kids to make a video telling her how her shoplifting affects them.
Second, get your wife to agree not to enter a store unless accompanied
by someone you trust--yourself, a trusted friend or family member--until
she has gone one year without shoplifting. You might also visit
some Al-Anon meetings for some perspective on how others cope with
a partner who is out of control with compulsive behavior.
More Q&A's From Bill & Steffanie
July 17,
2000
Family frowns on widow's
new relationship
Wife wants own room
June 26,2000
A flirting husband
In-laws haven't chipped
in for wedding
Wife is bad cook
June 19,2000
Girlfriend masturbates
in bathroom
In love with him but
what about his children?
June 5,2000
Wife lies about spending
money
Workalcoholic girlfriend
Boyfriend not initiating
sex
Boyfriend's ex emails
him
Empty nest
Wife never finishes
projects
May 22,2000
Controlling money
Messy family
Empty nest
Fighting in public
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