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We suggest the two of you sit down with a neutral third party you
both respect and go through the bills. That may help at least inject
some neutrality and accountability into the situation. Then ask
your wife for specific changes in her spending behavior. Write down
your agreements and follow up regularly (say monthly) with that
third party. Please make sure that your wife does not suffer from
bi-polar
(manic-depressive) disorder. This is a psychiatric condition
that is characterized by excessive highs and lows in mood and a
variety of other symptoms, one of which is wild spending during
the manic (high) phases. Medication can make a big difference for
some who suffer from this condition. If your wife ultimately doesn't
follow through on your agreements about money, you may consider
legally separating your finances (talk to a lawyer about the best
way to accomplish this) until she finds a way to curb her reckless
spending.
 Ever
since my girlfriend and I moved in together, she has become a workaholic.
I like the fact that she's ambitious but she never stops working.
Even during down time, she has her cell phone on the table and her
laptop beside the bed. How can I continue to live this way?
So, your girlfriend's career is doing well but your relationship
is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy? We suggest using business metaphors
with her like we just used with you, since that is where her is
attention is these days. Tell her you need better customer service
at home and perhaps you need her to make and keep appointments with
you for some quality time. Calling her a "workaholic," even if it
is true, probably won't get you where you want to go. Try approaching
your girlfriend with specific proposals about small changes in her
actions (asking for big changes may set you both up for failure
and struggle), like leaving the laptop and cell phone turned off
and in the other room on one or two nights of the week.
My
boyfriend never initiates sex and I'm starting to feel badly about
myself. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he shuts down
and gets really hostile. Should I just keep hoping he'll change
or should I stop initiating sex and see what happens?
We
wonder about your absolute statement of "never" because the use
of generalizations like "never" or "always" tend to alienate or
disempower the speaker and the listener. Has there ever been a time
in the relationship that he did initiate sex? We like to explore
the exceptions-the one or two times he was the initiator--for information
about how to solve the problem. Get a description of what each of
you did on those rare occasions that he initiated sex. Did he make
the first move? What did each of you do differently before, during,
and after sex? If all else fails, you could try to wait him out
or change your part of the pattern and see if this creates a shift.
Perhaps he does like to initiate and feels pressured when you do.
My
boyfriend has an old girlfriend who e-mails him every day. He's
a loyal person and I am deeply in love with him. I feel petty, but
I can't help feeling jealous. Any thoughts?
Several
years ago we became friends with a couple in which the male partner,
a very loyal and caring guy, was still friends with all his old
girlfriends. Our friends' relationship seemed to work out all right.
Some people can maintain friendships with former partners and stay
within the boundaries. Or perhaps your boyfriend, like Bill, has
what we call the
"nice guy syndrome" in that he has difficulty saying no to other
people. Nice guys end up spending lots of time and energy taking
care of other people's needs and making sure no one gets upset with
them. We think it's all in the balance. How much do the ex-girlfriend's
e-mails cut into your time together? Do you feel your boyfriend
is just being loyal to her or do you feel either one is over-invested
in the relationship? Be up front with your boyfriend, but bring
it up as a concern, not an accusation. Tell him that you feel petty,
but that his contact with her is bothering you.
My
wife has a pattern of obsessing on projects that she never completes.
She wants to achieve something. I support her, and then she gets
bored and wants something else. I'm getting tired of this. How can
we break this pattern?
What's her idea about why she doesn't finish things? Sometimes perfectionism
leads to incompletion. Bill espouses the art of slouching towards
perfection, i.e. doing something less than perfectly and then fixing
it as you go along. On the other hand, Bill generally has 20 or
so projects going at a time and tries to enlist the help of everyone
around. This can be frustrating to Steffanie, who actually likes
to complete a few projects before beginning new ones and is bothered
by all these half-completed projects.
Sounds like your wife's incomplete projects are getting to you
because you like completion. Find a way to work together despite
your different styles. Explain to her that completion is important
to you. Listen to her ideas of what gets in the way of her finishing
things. Then work together on a solution. That's what we've done.
We sit down and discuss which projects most need to get completed
relatively quickly and easily and then create action plans.
More Q&A's From Bill & Steffanie
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