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Your different styles of handling money don’t need to be a source
of conflict. They actually can serve to enhance your financial life
together. You are more conservative (you would say realistic, we
suppose) about money and he is less so (he would say optimistic).
Instead of going with one style or another or deciding who is right
or wrong, you can work together.
First, determine how much money is coming in and going out so you
both have a realistic picture of your finances. Sometimes one partner
or the other has unrealistic ideas about cash flow. If you have
predictable income and expenses, you can create a budget and perhaps
even set a limit for non-essential spending, with penalties if this
amount is exceeded. For example, if you spend over budget, you get
that much less in your next allotment and you have to use part of
the next allotment to pay more than usual on a credit card or other
debt.
If your income is less predictable, you may want to jointly review
all purchases based on your current income. Reviewing expenditures
together will let you know if you’re too tight or he’s too free
and easy.
 My
husband and children destroy my house. Every day I am spending hours
cleaning up
after them. It’s unstated that taking care of the house is my job,
but I think my family’s sloppiness is out of control.
Watch
your language. It may seem subtle,
but referring to it as “my house” as opposed to “our house” may
alienate your family rather than motivate them to do their share.
It sounds like being the cleaning enforcer has created a “you vs.
them” situation. It’s time to try a new approach. In order to get
their cooperation, it’s important for you to acknowledge that they
do care about how the house looks (maybe not in the same way you
do), but that your different priorities about cleaning have created
a rift in the family.
Who should set the cleaning standards? It probably shouldn’t be
you, since you’ve already been typecast as the heavy. Our guess
is that in order to re-engage your family, you are going to have
to negotiate an agreement. Our main point is that it has to be mutual,
as opposed to the unilateral approach — you setting the standards
and then trying to enforce them — which isn’t working. After negotiating
cleaning standards and responsibilities, create a written agreement,
with consequences for lack of follow-through (no TV, no allowance
for the children or your husband has to cook an extra meal the next
day or week if they “forget” or don’t do their agreed-upon tasks).
Our
children are both in college and my wife and I are learning each
other all over again. We often fight the way we used to fight before
the children were born. Is this typical?
Transition times can be really challenging in couples’ relationships,
such as having a baby, when the kids start school, or leave home
and retirement. This is the core idea behind Love-Track.com: to
help couples move through these developmental phases.
Now that your children have left for college, you are faced with
reconnecting and creating a new direction and new vision for your
individual and shared lives. It’s not uncommon to have tension and
conflict during this transition process, especially if you aren’t
clear about what is happening. We suggest you both discuss what
you want the relationship to be. Instead of floundering in the remnants
of what was and now is no longer, be proactive in creating a shared
vision of the future of your relationship. Some people rekindle
a close, intimate connection during this phase of their relationships.
Others reach outward to make contributions to their communities
that they didn’t have the time, energy or resources to do earlier
in their family life. It’s like planning an exciting trip together:
Where do you want to go? How do you want to spend your time? What
do you want to see?
If
my wife and I fight in public, she’ll try to bring others (friends,
complete strangers, etc) into it. She gets mean and nasty. It’s
humiliating. What do you suggest?
Don’t fight in public. Speak with your wife about setting some ground
rules for arguments. Ask her why she brings others into your fights.
We suspect she may seek out allies because she can’t get her point
across one-on-one. On the other hand, maybe she has learned from
her family or a previous relationship that such guerilla tactics
are the way to win arguments. She needs to update her style to reflect
her current relationship. Tell her about your feeling of humiliation
and desire to find a way to argue that works for both of you. If
she says she can't hold back and needs to settle things when you
are in public, try asking her to write what she has to say on a
piece of paper and having you respond by writing. You may want to
clue in your friends about what is happening.
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