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The issue of appropriate boundaries for in-laws is a tough one,
especially during the early stages of marriage when a couple is
establishing their own identity. It is important for your mother-in-law
to learn that "checking on how you're doing" cannot include invading
your privacy.
Before you take action, make sure you aren't using her misbehavior
as an excuse to punish her for other reasons. Next, have a good
talk with your husband about this. You do need to set limits, but
the two of you should agree on the boundaries before you present
them to his mother. Once you've decided what you're both comfortable
with, have a frank talk with your mother-in-law . It would be best
if you and your husband sit shoulder-to-shoulder across the table
from her and that he take the initiative in clarifying the limits
with his own mother. Be respectful as you set your boundaries. You
don't have to be harsh. I would suggest language something like
this: "Mom, we really appreciate your interest in our welfare. At
the same time, when you go through our mail and look in our refrigerator
we feel like our privacy is being invaded. Would you mind not doing
that any more?"
An honest and respectful approach such as this will probably keep
the family peace and maintain your need for privacy. But even if
it doesn't, peace should not come at any price. Your mother-in-law
may be offended, and you may have to decide whether to invite her
into your home under the conditions she seems to require.
My husband and I never lived together until we got married. Now
I'm thinking it was a big mistake not to go through a trial run.
We can't agree on many things. How can we ever keep each other happy?
You're
asking three important questions. First of all, research shows us
that living together before marriage is associated with higher risk
of divorce. Couples who live together outside of marriage are significantly
less likely to remain together and are more, prone to unhappiness.
And there is a higher risk of domestic violence. Researchers believe
this is in part because couples who decide not to live together
are more religious and partly because couples who decide to live
together have somewhat lower levels of relationship commitment.
So, your decision to marry without a trial run may be a good sign
for your relationship. About your tendency to disagree, the truth
is that most couples CAN agree on most things, but they often don't
know how. Learning techniques such as the conflict management skills
we have developed at the University of Denver can make a huge difference
and at least double a couple's chances of avoiding divorce. Regarding
making each other happy--forget it! We're each responsible for our
own happiness and part of that responsibility is to develop the
skill of communicating our needs and expectations to our partner.
A happy marriage is one in which neither partner expects the other
to make him or her happy.
My
husband and I waited to get married before we had sex. When we did
make love for the first time, I was very uncomfortable with the
pain and was embarrassed by my reaction. That feeling has lingered
and caused a rift between us. How do I get past that feeling of
embarrassment when we do make love?
Waiting to get married before you had sex may be a very good sign
for your relationship. The data is starting to convince us that
this may be a wise idea for many couples. Don't be embarrassed about
your first sexual experience. A woman's body must adapt to the stretching
of penetration. As a matter of fact, pain is almost universal during
first intercourse and even somewhat common afterward.
The embarrassment you felt may be because you didn't believe it
was normal to have this pain. I am assuming you no longer have pain
and that the problem is really the memory of your embarrassment.
What's important now is that you approach this problem as a team.
The embarrassment about the painful intercourse isn't the problem.
It was a problem you had with your body but YOU are not the problem.
Have a good discussion about how each of you feels regarding the
embarrassment. Use a structured way of talking such as the Speaker-Listener
Technique* so the conversation can be safe and you can each completely
share your real feelings. Your feelings of embarrassment and the
discomfort in your sexual relationship will probably disappear after
you really understand one another more deeply. It's amazing how
having a better understanding of one another seems to resolve most
of the difficulties. * See pages 49-74 in Fighting
for Your Marriage, available from Amazon.com or your local bookstore.
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