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 Hi, I am writing because I am very frustrated with my situation. I don't know what it is, but I feel like my Fiance doesn't feel the same way she use to feel about me.When my fiance and I first met, we were passionate, intimate and loving with each other. We clicked, we were happy and then bam!
She got pregnant.
For 9 months we hardly ever had sex, it was hard to get her in the mood and i totally understand that her being pregnant had a lot to do with it. We had our baby in july and she has been very afraid to have sex or so she says. I don't know if she is still all hormoned out or what it is. she still acts like she's pregnant.
She doesn't want me to touch her or kiss her or fondle with her she rejects me. Sometimes I will give her oral pleasure and she will just go to sleep after word forgetting about sex, or re turing the favor. I have went through all lengths, I feel like she doesn't love me anymore and I am frustrated, sad, and lonely, I never thought I would say this but i feel like cheating on her and we are suppose to get married on our anniversary on sept 15.
When we do get intimate she makes me stop cause she says the condoms hurt, she claims she is horny and wants me but she shows no effort to try and show me she cares. To me she is selfish, and only wants it when she wants and doesn't care about my needs only hers. I am frustrated and don't want to be with a woman like this, I also don't want to leave because i have a beautiful daughter with her. I don't know what to do. I ave tried everything from being romantic trying to get her in the mood, but i am not doing a good job of it i guess?
What can I do to get her the way she use to be. Or am I right that she probably doesn't feel the same way she use to be.
..................................................................~ Desperate Husband, CA
 As a woman of 41, I have seen a lot of women and men with similar issues, pretty much exactly. And, after having 2 children myself, I have been through it as well. Intimacy between two people is a whirlwind of complexities. I hope I can shed a little light on the subject.
Personally what helps me is to remember we are just animals. I try to ask myself what would occur if I were a sheep, fox or cat. Why? Instinct, at times, can be much stronger than our "rational selves".
Let's be clear about one thing, the main purpose of intercourse is to produce babies. Very few animals, other than humans, participate in intercourse for other reasons besides to procreate. Therefore, it might be difficult for your partner to put out of her conscious and unconscious mind that sex is something else besides babies -- such as giving you pleasure. I know when I had both of my children thinking of having intercourse again right afterwards was so difficult almost impossible. It was as if everything in the deepest part of my brain was saying "no".
Why was that? Perhaps, I couldn't get over the tens of thousands of years instinctual thought that "if I have intercourse I will have another baby" and since I just went through pregnancy and birth -- which was no picnic, the last thing I wanted to do was to go through that again. And, my body was not ready for it since I just gave birth and perhaps it is protectionism that subconsciously the body is averse to doing an act that it knows will hurt it. Like when some people do not like chocolate or wheat only to find out that they are allergic to it.
So, what does a male animal do, whose instinct is to procreate with as many women as possible to ensure the continuation of the species? What a difficult situation we have created for ourselves. We live as monogamous humans in non-monogamous instinctual bodies, do? We have issues. We have fights. We have adultery, infidelity, etc.
What can we do? Oh, I wish I had a good answer -- how about completely change current society. Can't we go back to when we lived in communities/tribes and the idea of personal property didn't exist. Where the men slept and lived together and the women did as well - separately but within the same tribe. When people were freer to mingle with others. When women didn’t need monogamy to ensure the safely of raising the children and men didn't need monogamy to prove that those children are theirs and that they are his personal property and perhaps more importantly to show that he is leaving his worldly goods / personal property to "his" family (and not to the community).
Ok, that will not happen tomorrow.
However, if you know that at times instinct runs strong, even in us human 'rational' animals, have a conversation about it. You both have instincts - and neither should be taken for granted. Most men have a natural instinct of - "fu ck it or kill it" (quoted from Ken Wilber's book 'A Brief History of Everything') and most women have a natural instinct of bearing and raising children. The key is to talk together without judgment. Both instincts are good as they have gotten us this far. Respect them. Respect each other.
Perhaps a solutions:
- You might be able to see another way of love making that isn’t about intercourse - which right now might instinctively be frightening your partner. Plus, stating up front that intercourse is not your goal (and mean it) and still let there be a release on your end, then you both might get what you need.
- If you are looking for a way to be intimate, and not just a strategy for intercourse, honor her. Your drive will be clear if you are really honest about intimacy. Talk about how great she is as a woman and that you adore her and her body. Take turns sitting in front of each other unclothed touching each other caringly.
- Talk quietly and gently about how intercourse is important for you to feel like a man. And, that you want to me a great man with her as 'the' great woman. Come up solutions together. Perhaps she can assist you in masturbating until she is ready for intercourse. Or, ask her what would be desirable for her prior to intercourse - a massage? A conversation about love?
- Try intercourse another way. Many of us, including me, were not taught how to make love. We imagined it and then we saw some movies, read books, etc. Many of these movies and books showed the man driving hard and the woman being subservient below. May I suggest we were "taught" a very wrong way of making love. Try this...Think of how a river flows, inside and out of itself. Slowly at times, rapid at times, but intertwined. If you can keep the image of a river or some other flowing piece of nature in your head, that might help. Again, I do not have an answer as I am still working on it. All I know is that the traditional way feels arcane, unconnected.
The key to all is to talk, openly, without judgment about your love, your needs and your needs together. Try to figure out why you have these needs in the first place as there might be another solution to the original thought or original need.
Living in a successful monogamous relationship is difficult and almost impossible when two people are not open with each other about everything - yes, even craving others. Talk about it, my guess is if both of you feel even relatively secure in your relationship the talk will be very relieving. If you believe either of you are not secure in your relationship, start there. My guess is that you cannot even attempt to start working on your intimate life without a conversation about the safety and security within your relationship.
Good luck let me know how it goes.
Just
what is love but setting your self up for suffering. I am 48 years
old. I have been married twice. I have three children from these
marriages. I have been willing to do what ever it takes to improve
and make life as a family be a wonderful thing. I have put my heart
and soul into it. I gave all I had to give, holding back nothing
and giving all. I have always have been devoted to my family.
All it has given me is grief.
I would have been better off being a selfish self centered chauvinistic
sob. At least I would deserve what it has brought me. I've got nothing
else to say.
..................................................................~ Brown
Brown
-
Thank you so much for your very real and heartfelt email. I am not
a coach or a counselor, however, if you are interested I can connect
you with one. What I can offer is some insight into how my life
and how I deal with issues such as yours.
A number of years back I was tired of giving. I felt that all I
did in any of my relationships was give emotionally full-out. Then
it occurred to me, with the help of a seminar by Neale Donald Walsh,
maybe it was the "giving to others" part that was the
problem. Perhaps life and enjoyment was not about giving to others
but about giving to yourself. Well, as you can imagine the first
time I heard this I thought - How Selfish! Anyone who would only
do things for themselves could only be a selfish jerk. And then
I thought, hmmmmmm. I thought:
If I only did things for myself, I wouldn't keep a check list of
things I did for people and expect anything in return ...because
I did things only for myself and therefore no one owes me anything.
If I only did things for myself, I would be completely satisfied
in all of my relationships. Or at least I would be 100% accountable
for its success or its failure.
There was only one problem I couldn't deal with - wouldn't that
make me selfish? And, isn't that bad?
Then I thought, I would only be selfish if in doing things for me
others wouldn't benefit as well. So, I thought, if I had a clean
and full heart, if I truly loved the world and all the creatures
within, if I was 100% accountable for my own thoughts and beliefs
then.....
I could only do things for myself and the world would rejoice because
in doing things for myself I, in turn, would be doing things for
others - a win:win for all
.
So, I thought I would try it for a few months to see how it would
go. To see if anyone would notice, including my boyfriend at the
time. I kept it to myself what I was doing so I could really tell
whether people saw me as selfish or not.
A few months went by and I asked my boyfriend, some family and a
couple good friends. "Have I been really selfish lately".
They were all a little stunned as they all said "I actually
thought you have been more giving and loving lately"
"Really?"
"Yes, why do you ask" my boyfriend asked specifically.
I explained the whole story and he didn't believe it. He thought
it was nice what I was doing, but denied that it could be done all
the time in every situation -- especially with children.
A few years later the real test occurred, I had a little baby girl.
It was three years since I first started only doing things for myself
and the test of being able to do it with children seemed daunting
because I see so many of my friends giving and giving to their children
-- and expecting a lot in return. I definitely didn't want to do
this as I wanted to love her completely without her owing me anything.
She is now 14 months old. It took a lot of mental preparation and
soul searching at times, however, I have kept up with it. When I
needed to change her diapers or feed her in the middle of the night
- and I was working full time - I would make it our own special
time. I thought of those moments as precious because she will be
growing up very fast and I chose to relish this time together. I
took the time to look at each part of her in awe, her ears, eyes,
little fingers, little toes, her nose. Believe me, there were times
when she was up the majority of the night with a cold when I felt
it slipping. I was getting bitter and then a little voice would
say, what can you gain out of this situation, how can you make this
situation better for you. And then I would think of something like,
listening to a favorite old CD of mine that I hadn't heard in a
while while rocking her back to sleep.
I hope this has helped as it certainly has helped me a lot, as it
does every day. As I mentioned earlier, if you are interested in
a coach, please let me know. Take a look at our sister site www.CoachingCircles.com
and see if there is a coach there who you believe could assist you.
If you would like me to choose a coach for you just call me toll-free
1-866-865-0720. There is no extra charge for us assisting you in
making the right match for you and a life coach.
I wish you only the best,
Warmest,
Janice Caillet
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