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Oh, if only there was a formula for such a thing. I wish my answer
could be as simple as a number under 10. Wouldn’t that be great?
Everyone would just know when the time had come (so to speak). They’d
check their dating diaries, and groom themselves accordingly. We’d
know exactly what to wear--or what not to wear. Our breath would
be fresh, our eyes would be bright, and we’d have condoms close
at hand.
But alas, there are no rules--really. We can make them up if we
want to--try to stick to them. Or we can seek advice, consult the
tarot, throw the I Ching, ask the eight ball. But in the end, we
have to trust our intuition, our gut, our knowing--whatever we find
ourselves calling it.
So how many dates before sex? As many as it takes to feel right
about it. Only you can know for sure. I’ve always been warned against
sex after the first date, been cautioned about sex after the second
date, and yet, somehow the general consensus is that it’s acceptable
after the third date. I don’t know what’s so magical about the third
date. Just lose count is my advice. Break the rules. Follow your
heat. (oops typo. HEART.)
 My
boyfriend never lets me pay when we go out. I like this arrangement,
but I feel so guilty. How can I feel better about this?
Sugar, you are one lucky gal. Think of how much money you’re saving.
Put it into a savings account and buy that boy of yours a big ole’
present. Seriously, is he against receiving gifts from you? You
can financially balance this situation out in many ways. Buy him
things, enroll him in a workshop, cook for him, add to his wine
collection. Use your imagination. Stop feeling guilty.
I
recently challenged my boyfriend of three months to take our relationship
to a higher emotional level. We had a marathon talk and I thought
we’d agreed on everything. In the morning when we started talking
again, I discovered that he thought our talk had been all about
breaking up. How could this have happened? We were in the same room,
in the same bed, but we might as well have been from different planets.
What’s your take on this?
Well, you know what they say about the planet thing. This sounds
like a case of hearing what you want to hear. Maybe your boyfriend
was thinking about breaking up with you but didn’t want to be the
bad guy. He saw (heard) this as the perfect opportunity to shake
things up a bit, following your lead, of course. He turned the tables
on you, my dear. Keep the conversational fires burning, though.
He may have freaked out when you wanted to amp up the emotionals.
Try to avoid words like HIGHER and LEVEL. From my experience, men
need time to adjust to elevations. Climb slowly and breathe deeply.
The journey is long but the view at the top is magnificent.
What
happens to us when we stay single for too long?
According to my mother or according to reality? Nothing disasterous,
I assure you. Being single is not an affliction. In theory, it can
be a time of great adventure and personal growth but in reality
often it feels like a time of being neither here nor there. We feel
like strays. Our families and friends start to worry about our independent
status. They get busy trying to match us up with their idea of our
perfect match. The journey of seeking a soul mate is ours alone.
Claim it. There is no time limit. Enjoy the ride, however long it
is. Look out the window (something my mother used to say).
What do you do when you’re past the “key exchanging”
phase of dating and you come home one day to find the following
missing from your house: car, credit cards, checkbook, and your
dog?
Yikes. How awful. Your dog, too? Seems as if you gave your key to
the wrong person. Allow yourself time to feel humiliated, betrayed,
embarrassed, angry, shocked--all of those emotions that nestle like
fur balls in the pit of your stomach--and then take action. Call
the police. Call your best friend. Cast your lifelines. Roar.
Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up. Not only have you been
betrayed, you’ve been robbed. Try to separate the two. Stay active.
Though it appears you’re a victim, you have the choice not to behave
like one. Think of your kidnapped dog. You need to think like a
hero and rescue your dog.
Any
ideas for a date besides dinner and a movie?
You are in a dating rut, my friend. Buy a notebook and write down
your ideas because you have plenty of them. You just need to start
a collection. So, the next time your mind grasps for the dinner
and movie fix--grab your notebook and pick another idea. I’ll share
some of mine to get you started:
·•Drive in the country. Play the left/right game ( The driver
makes the turns, the passenger calls LEFT or RIGHT). Get lost.
·•Walk by some water--be it an ocean, a lake, a river, (you
get the idea).
•Be a tourist in your own town. Dress the part.
•Go and hear some music. If you can’t find any, make some.
•Drive to the nearest airport and watch the planes fly overhead.
•Go to a baseball game. Eat many hotdogs.
•Have a staring contest. The winner gets to be taken out for
dinner and a movie.
More Q&A's From Coleman
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