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MEET THE HOSTS |
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JOEL
CROHN |
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Advice on the special issues surrounding intercultural / interfaith
relationships more
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TIAN
DAYTON |
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Get spiritual with Tian. more
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LISA
GAY HABICHT |
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Learn about how to plan the destination wedding of your dreams.
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Meet the Martha Stewart of sex. more
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Bill and Steffanie O'Hanlon "love the tough cases." more
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Home > Conscious
Loving >Q&A
Joel Crohn
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I'm from New York and I just married a Chinese woman I met through
business connections. Things were going along great until her mother,
who is a widow, recently was diagnosed with cancer. My wife is an
only child, and feels compelled to return to China to be with her
mother. When I point out that her mother has the resources to get
the care she needs, my wife says I don't understand, and that she
has to go, at least for four months-if not longer. I'm trying to understand,
but it really hurts me that she's putting her mother before our marriage.
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This is a tough one. Cultural values have a tremendous effect on how
we define "family loyalty." When you and your fiancé fell in love,
you may have told one another that you each feel "very close" with
your families. But contrasting cultural norms may mean that you may
have very different ideas of what that word "close" actually means.
Cultural values act as filters, coloring the meaning of words and
emotions. In general, the values of most Asian cultures stress the
importance of the group over the individual and of honoring elders.
In Western cultures, and especially in the United States, romantic
love and the individual's happiness often come first. You may ask
your wife, "wouldn't you be happier here with me than going back go
China to take care of your mother?" But she may be thinking to herself,
"how could you put our personal happiness before the needs of my mother?"
While there are no easy answers to this situation, it is important
that you try to really understand each other's perspectives before
trying to negotiate your differences. You'll then be in a much better
position to find workable solutions.
My boyfriend is African American and grew
up in an upper-middle class family. He just finished law school
at Princeton, and his financial prospects are, to put it mildly,
fantastic. If I may be direct, I'm a tall, good-looking blond young
woman from a humble background. I was raised by a single working
mom and we were always short on time and money. I'm having trouble
with how other people stereotype us. Either they assume that I'm
more educated than my boyfriend because I'm white and he's black,
or, if they know about his accomplishments, they assume I'm with
him because of his success. We love each other very much, but we're
having a hard time dealing with other people. What should we do?
Whether we like it or not, we are all social animals. It's never
easy to ignore others' perceptions of us, even when they are totally
wrong. Make sure you learn to share your feelings and thoughts about
unpleasant incidents with each other. It's usually more important
that you are there to support one another than it is to protect
each other from negative feelings. Also, work on building a network
of friends and family who know you as a couple and appreciate who
you really are. Isolation is a big risk factor for all couples.
Seek out an interracial organization in your city and consider joining.
The Association
of MultiEthnic Americans, Inc. is a great resource. Finally,
remember the old real estate adage--location, location, location.
Certain cities and neighborhoods are more receptive and friendly
to interracial couples, and choosing well can make life a lot
more pleasant.
More Q&A's From Joel
June 26,2000
Raising children in
a bilingual home
Is a culturally mixed
marriage problematic
June 12,2000
Challenges of Christian/Jewish
marriages
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| YOUR
OPINION |
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What is the best thing about being in an intercultural relationship?
--fragola
your
opinion
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