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Too often interfaith couples approach marriage minimizing their
differences because it feels so good to be in love. Especially with
the pressures of a wedding approaching, it sometimes seems best
to sweep differences under the rug in the hope that "We can just
make it through the wedding." This is often a big mistake. I think
of the period between engagement and ceremony as the "escrow period"
of love. It's stressful, but there is no better time to face your
differences. Most importantly, clarify confusion and mixed feelings
about your own religious background before you try to work things
out with your partner. And yes, finding a counselor to help you
work through these issues can be the best relationship insurance.
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I'm engaged to a Peruvian and my parents
think I'm headed for disaster. They believe that our different cultures
and languages (I speak passable but far from perfect Spanish) are
going to make marriage that much more difficult. Do you agree with
my parents that marrying within your own culture is the key to a
successful relationships?
Every layer of difference in a relationship does add to its complexity
and to increased divorce rates. This doesn't mean that cross-cultural
couples shouldn't marry. You just need to face the fact that you'll
probably need to do more work than couples from more similar backgrounds.
Something else to watch out for is that your parents' objections
can paradoxically push you into each other's arms and distract you
from focusing on the issues you need to face as a couple. Accept
that all marriages take a lot of hard work, and that when cultural,
racial, religious, national, or linguistic differences are part
of the mix, you have to develop your relationship skills to create
a positive relationship.
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