|
By Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould*
Why Men Are the Master Daters
You've tried The Rules, you've tried listening to your married
friends, and you've even tried listening to your mother. But you're
still eating Chinese takeout with your good Friends Monica, Rachel,
Ross and Chandler. So how is dating like a man going to change your
social life?
Let's start by going back to our cave-dwelling ancestors. According
to David Buss, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University
of Texas at Austin, men's reproductive drives cause them to value
a woman's youth and physical appearance, and to seek out a variety
of sex partners.
Women, in contrast, place a higher premium on a mate's ambition,
industriousness and social status to help ensure the survival of
the species. Like it or not, these basic biological needs still
influence the way men and women date today.
In addition, boys learn from day one how to bond with other children
through sports. Sports teach boys how to be competitive and work
as a team. Above all, sports encourage them to get out of the house
and have fun.
Although many girls growing up today are involved in team sports
and have parents who teach them that education, career and self-exploration
are also priorities, they are still getting the societal message
that love relationships are paramount in their lives.
This fact was confirmed in a recent study conducted at the University
of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Dr. Karen D. Rudolph, assistant
professor of psychology, found that the majority of stress for girls
between the ages of eight and eighteen was caused by relationship
problems, including fights with their siblings and friends. (Boys
were more likely to be stressed about doing poorly in school, getting
sick, moving to a new town or getting into trouble.) Now, I'm not
saying that relationships aren't important; men want them, too.
But guys also know that having a full life means reaching out beyond
your small circle of friends, family and community.
One of the advantages of getting out into the world is discovering
what you like and what you don't like. You might also find that
nine times out of ten, you're not who you think you are.
Remember the disco queen from the seventies, Donna Summer? She
grew up in a large family headed by a preacher father who wanted
Donna to stay close to home and sing gospel for his church. But
Donna knew in her heart that although she was deeply religious and
loved her family, she needed to perform on a larger stage.
She tried the stay-at-home role with her first husband, and felt
trapped and miserable. So Donna finally decided to pursue her dream
of becoming a pop singer. Sure, there were bad times and bad relationships
along the way, but she is now happily remarried with several children
and wonderful memories of a career in the spotlight.
Like young birds that need to test their wings, women have got
to get out into the world before they start a nest of their own.
Remember: Men don't settle down until they find themselves. Women
don't settle down until they find a man. Find yourself first, then
settle.
Men Know What They Want and Need (And How to Get Those
Wants and Needs Met)
I told you in the previous section why it's important to find yourself
before you find a man. To do this, you must get out in the world
and experience as much as possible. At the same time, however, there
are exercises that you must do by yourself and for yourself. I call
this doing the inner work.
Here's
a sample list of characteristics of a mate
that my client Laura wanted. |
|
| 1. Handsome, clean-shaven |
|
| 2. Over thirty-five |
|
| 3. Friend first |
|
| 4. Humorous |
|
| 5. Educated |
|
| 6. Politically aware |
|
| 7. Have a cause in life |
|
| 8. Christian |
|
| 9. Kind to animals |
|
| 10.Kind to kids (will accept my child) |
|
| 11.Kind to less fortunate people |
|
| 12.Positive attitude |
|
| 13.Likes nature walks, shows and aquariums |
|
| 14.A gentleman |
|
| 15.Respectful (doesn't curse) |
|
| 16.Likes to travel |
Doing the inner work is an essential part of dating like a man.
Men tend to know exactly they want from a career and from a woman.
When I asked a young man named Brian how he saw himself in ten years,
he described his house, car, wife and breed of dog in full detail.
He had already started saving up to buy that snazzy white Corvette.
Women need to train themselves to focus more clearly on their future
goals. Every athlete must train before he or she competes. Doing
the inner work is training your mind instead of your body. As your
personal dating coach, I will show you why doing the inner work
will help you identify what your goals are (your needs) and how
you can have those needs met.
First, take out a legal pad, a pencil and a timer or stopwatch.
Draw a line down the middle of the paper. On one side write "Wants"
and on the other side write "Needs."
Set your timer for ten minutes (I don't want you to agonize over
this exercise). Start with the "Wants" list. Write down the characteristics
that you want in a mate. If you're done quickly, number them in
order of importance, with #1 being the most important.
Be as specific as possible. If you want a man to be tall, do you
mean over six feet, or taller than you? Do not censor yourself.
Let your heart take control of your mind. Don't worry if your list
seems foolish or trivial. If it matters to you, write it down. Remember,
if you don't write it down, you won't get what you want. Also, this
is your wish list, not your mother's or your girlfriend's or your
Aunt Julie's.
*Excerpted with permission from Date
Like a Man, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, New York, copyright
2000 by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould.
|
