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According to best-selling author Cherie Carter-Scott,
the strongest relationships are built on self-love
By Christine Shen
continued from previous
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Do Unto Your Self as You
Want Others to Do unto You
In If
Love is Game, These are the Rules, Carter-Scott defines the
distinction between "you" and "your self."
"Your self is the core of your being, the essential entity that
exists irrespective of your personality, your ego, your opinions
and your emotions. It is the small, sacred space within you that
houses your spirit and your soul," she says.
"You are the observer, the coach, editor, and critic who surveys
your thoughts, words, feelings, and behaviors, and determines how
much of your essential self is shown to others," she adds.
Carter-Scott believes one key to self-fulfillment is to treat
yourself the way you’d like others to treat you. She has found
through her personal growth workshops that when she asks people
what they expect emotionally and spiritually from a partner, a common
portrait emerges. They describe the ideal mate as caring, thoughtful,
and respectful, a life companion who could intimately connect with
them on all levels. Yet when she asks them if they treat themselves
with the same degree of respect, kindness and connection, a majority
say no. When it comes to examining themselves, they gloss over their
attributes, dwell on their faults, and spend minimal time being
in touch with their spirits and hearts.
"The same people who are seeking true love have little idea
of how to offer it to themselves," she stresses.
Discover Your Innermost Spirit
According to Carter-Scott, the act of self-love comes down to
cherishing your fundamental worthiness and nurturing your being.
Knowing your essential value and your essence as well as your heart’s
desire does not come naturally, though.
Who better to pamper
but yourself?
In If
Love is a Game, These are the Rules, Carter-Scott
offers these ten simple nurturing tips for rewarding yourself!
She suggests a daily dose of at least one of these exercises:
• Watching the sunset
• Taking a bubble
bath
• Having a massage
• Spending a day in bed when you're not sick
• Going biking
• Having coffee with a friend
• Eating a delicious treat
• Burning your favorite scented
candle
• Meditating
• Listening to favorite
music |
"A lot of people overlook this step because it goes back to
how you were raised, how your parents, your siblings and your friends
treated you when you were little . A child is not prepared to develop
his own sense of self, so he takes his cues from those around him.
Affirmations from parents, teachers and friends contribute to a
child’s inner growth. If he wasn’t sufficiently validated
as a person during childhood, then as a grownup, he may look for
affirmation from the outside," Carter-Scott says.
Relying on love from others before establishing inner love
and uncovering your true spirit could be a serious roadblock to
finding true love from another. Carter-Scott believes you must discover
your innermost spirit, heart, and soul before you can fully succeed
at the relationship game.
Only You Can Fill the Holes in Your Soul
Carter-Scott notes that the adage "the better half"
of a partnership assumes that we need to have another person complete
us, to fulfill any inadequacies we may have, but that very need
is what can prevent an authentic love relationship from emerging.
"If there’s a hole in your soul, you might start look
outside yourself for acceptance and assurance," Carter-Scott
says.
"But if you lean on others for emotional fulfillment, you’ll
never get enough because no one else other than you can fill that
hole."
The "hole in the soul syndrome" addresses feelings
of emptiness, neediness and self-reproach that flows from a core
sense of insufficiency. When these feelings of inadequancy manifest,
the need to find someone for empathy and companionship arises, according
to Carter-Scott. She thinks that this dependency doesn’t foster
a strong and healthy relationship.
"Though you may receive enormous amounts of emotional support
from a partner, the love you receive from others can not replace
the love you give yourself," she says.
Self-Love Tool Kit
Carter-Scott herself discovered the first rule of self-love
and of treating herself as she would like others to treat her when
she was 16.
"I was walking down the street, criticizing people to myself
as they passed by. Then I stopped and asked myself, why am I doing
this? I then realized that I wasn’t really criticizing others
as much as I was criticizing myself," she says.
She took this opportunity to re-orient her attitude from thinking
outward to reflecting inward. Today, her act of self-realization
is echoed in the six steps of change she’s developed that work
toward altering your attitude toward yourself and towards others:
- You must be aware that something needs a change . If
you find yourself criticizing someone, pause for a moment and
think of what you’re doing.
- Then you must acknowledge that something is wrong.
- The next step is to make the conscious choice to change.
- Once you make the choice, formulate an action plan to
move ahead.
- Monitor it and stay the course. Follow up and follow
through.
- When you hit your goal, celebrate it! Reward yourself
with a special night out, tickets to a Broadway show, or just
a simple walk down the beach to see the sunset.
Carter-Scott also suggests to nurture your inner soul, give yourself
a break and set aside some daily time.
"Read, listen to a book on tape if you drive, or watch a movie,"
she says. "Do something that will be comfortable for you and
your lifestyle, something that you look forward to and not a chore."
Find out more about uncovering self-love and other rules of
the relationship game in If
Love is a Game, These are the Rules: Ten Rules for Finding Love
and Creating Long-Lasting, Authentic Relationships. (Broadway
Books, 1999)
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