Almost everyone really really likes sex. Men and women have roughly equal sex drives, according to a study published in the late 70s that surveyed both genders in 93 societies. So why is it an issue deciding when to take the plunge with a new partner?

Karen, 32, is still feeling reverberations from a short relationship she had months ago. "Generally, I've slept with men too soon," she confesses. With Doug, someone she'd known through church for almost a year, she'd waited until the sixth date. "I tend to want an emotional connection to go with the sexual attraction," she says "but sometimes I get ahead of myself and act on the chemistry before I'm sure the emotional connection is there on his side." As Karen puts it, Doug had been pursuing her "very aggressively on a physical level." When they went to bed, it was fun and spontaneous, but then he didn't want her to stay the night. And he never called again.

Now of course there are couples who have sex right away and a fabulous relationship follows. According to Judith Coche, Ph.D., associate clinical professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, the key is to determine before you become intimate whether you have the same goals: casual sex with no strings attached, or a lasting relationship. "Talk about this," says Coche. "Once sex gets into the picture, it's almost impossible to keep your reason intact." "If someone dodges your questions," she adds, "take note. This is life planning. Don't be afraid to let the person know what you want."

"What's important is not how many dates you've had with someone as much as your mutual readiness," says Coche. "If you say to someone, 'I think something could really develop here, but the time isn't right for me yet,' that's a powerful statement. Most people will wait. If not, they're looking for something superficial. When couples do wait a bit, it deepens the relationship. If you start out with a friendship first and get enough of the foundations in place to feel very safe with each other as people and then add the passion, knowing the attraction is there, the richness of the experience is something people say is different from anything else they've ever experienced."

Bad Reasons for sex too soon
· A need for sex.
· You want the person to love you.
· Social pressure to perform.
· Nothing more to talk about.
· Boredom.
· A curiosity to find out if there's any chemistry.
· You want to make someone else jealous.
· To persuade your partner to leave his or her current partner.
· You're challenging a dare.
· An attempt to solidify the relationship.

What do you do when you're past the "key exchanging" phase of dating and you come home one day to find the   following missing from   your house: car, credit   cards, checkbook, and   your dog?

  Yikes. How awful. Your   dog, too? more

COACHING CIRCLES

We connect you to an expert.
Improve your personal life!
Coaching Circles has collected all the Top personal coaches in Personal Growth, Single Life/Dating, Balancing Life, and more to support you in your greatness.
HIRE A COACH TODAY.

Resources for Getting Intimate

A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage, by Judith Sills, Ph.D. (Ballantine Books)

The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, by David M.Buss (Basic Books)

Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion, by Ethel Spector Person, M.D. (Penguin Books)

The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How our Sex Hormones Influence our Relationships, by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D. (Pocket Books)