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How One Couple Reconnects
By Christine Shen
It was the joyous moment Samuel and Jennifer Kingston had been waiting
two agonizing years for: the healthy birth of their first baby,
Mark. The New York couple had undergone more than a year of fertility
treatments after a year of trying to conceive on their own. The
pregnancy encountered difficulty in the final month and Jennifer
was ordered by her doctor to have total bed rest. During delivery,
Jennifer's epidural began to wear off just as her labor pains increased
and she gave birth without the full benefit of the pain killers
she had expected.
Elated after bringing Mark home, they soon found themselves overwhelmed
by the demands of breastfeeding, diaper-changing and sleep deprivation.
Their commitment to each other, their dedicated friendship and their
ability to make each other laugh held strong, but there was one
element that did not completely carry over from their "before
baby" life--sex.
"I'm always playing catch up," Jennifer says. "Add
that to all that happens to your body after giving birth, you just
don't feel like a sexual creature."
"I think the sex drives goes down for both parents,"
agrees Samuel. "First off, you don't even want to THINK about
doing it."
Aware of Jennifer's postnatal physical discomfort, the Kingstons
waited until the obstetrician gave her the green light about six
weeks after Mark's birth. Samuel and Jennifer approached their first
time of sexual intimacy with hesitation and apprehension. "It
took a bit of planning," says Samuel. "Mark sleeps in
our room so we waited until he was asleep and went into the other
bedroom."
"The first thing I'd asked my doctor was 'Would it hurt?'
And I was relieved when it didn't at all," adds Jennifer. "We
did have to use a lot of lubrication to help things along. The most
enjoyable part was that I was able to climax sooner than I expected."
"It seemed almost like the first time we made love but on
a deeper, more mature level, since we know each other so well now,"
recalls Samuel. "I was relieved and delighted at the experience.
It was intense, fulfilling and very special."
However, after that initial time together, the Kingstons have yet
to resume what they consider their normal sex life. "Samuel
does the initiating," Jennifer admits. "I'm just too tired.
I feel like first and foremost I just need to survive this first
year. Everything revolves around Mark right now."
Being a physician has helped Samuel understand the physical changes
Jennifer has undergone yet he can't help but feel a measure of frustration
when it comes to making love. "When you have a kid," he
says, "it takes away the spontaneity. You have a time constraint
as well. And breastfeeding does have an effect. I understand how
some men can feel left out."
"When a baby comes along, men do get ousted from the relationship
on some level," Jennifer believes. "A man might understand
with his mind but not with his heart. So it is really important
to maintain intimacy because once you lose that, you could lose
the marriage. It would be like I'm not connecting with him--like
I'm being selfish."
Samuel has discovered a simple yet meaningful way to connect with
Jennifer and the baby during his feeding. "When she breastfeeds
Mark on the glider rocker, sometimes I will sit on the ottoman and
just watch them, softly talking with her. I feel fulfilled in just
being close to them."
What has eased Samuel and Jennifer's intimacy expectations is pure
communication. "It's important to spend time talking and holding
hands. These are things you can do with the baby around," Jennifer
suggests.
"You should know that your wife is torn between meeting your
needs, her needs and the baby's needs and her apprehension of physically
starting up with sex again," Samuel concurs. "In a healthy
marriage, you should talk about these things. I think that is key."
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