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By Christine Shen
"It is not unusual for couples to abstain for two months after
the baby is born," says Dr.
Geralyn O'Reilly, an obstetrician-gynecologist specializing
in high-risk births at the University
of Washington Medical Center. It is when the man wants to initiate
sex and the woman withdraws, whether from fatigue or lack of sexual
desire, that problems arise. These issues of readiness and initiation
are a common and constant source of friction between new parents.
When it comes to readiness, usually the woman is in the driver's
seat because it's her body that has undergone drastic changes and
that will continue to adapt to the needs of the new baby, such as
breastfeeding and sleep patterns, according to Dr. O'Reilly.
"When having sex comes up," she says, "fifty percent
of my patients begin by saying, 'My husband wants to know if we
can make love now.' That's a signal to me that the woman is not
ready. That's the important factor. You both have to be ready."
Readiness could revolve around self image. When a new mother steps
in front of a mirror, she may find a different face--and silhouette--
looking back. That reflection in itself may be a major obstacle
to resuming a regular sex life after the birth of a new baby.
"One big fear for most women after they've given birth is
rooted in their self image," says Dr. O'Reilly. "A new
mother may worry that she's no longer attractive to her partner.
Some women gain 45 pounds and more over the course of their pregnancy.
So they're going to feel bloated. They may not have the energy or
time to fix their hair," she says. "And their outside
appearance is not the only factor. The birth canal, pelvis, the
vagina and its corresponding muscles will have changed in appearance
and in feel."
When women have vaginal deliveries, they are very tender afterward,
warns Dr. O'Reilly. "The vagina is an area that can't be easily
seen, so you need to be extra careful, and avoid tampons, douches,
or sexual intercourse for the first six weeks or so. It takes about
that long to heal."
For couples that decide to forego medical advice and resume sexual
intercourse before the standard six-week checkup, Dr. O'Reilly wants
to dispel a common misconception that pregnancy can't occur within
the first months after childbirth. "Some people actually do
have sex early on and are surprised when they get pregnant,"
she says. "I've had patients who became pregnant within a month
after giving birth, having sex under the mistaken notion that they
were unable conceive. That is a total myth."
Other than the postnatal physical discomfort, another biological
reaction that sometimes discourages immediate sex is the uterine
discharge that occurs for as many as four weeks after a birth. "The
uterus is contracting back to its normal size so it's releasing
all the blood and substances used to support the baby during pregnancy,"
Dr. O'Reilly says.
On an emotional front, a mother's need to bond with her infant
comes into play. "In the first few months, it's quite appropriate
for a parent to have eyes exclusively for the baby. It's what you
need for bonding," says Dr.
Bonnie Maslin, a Manhattan psychologist and the author of The
Angry Marriage.
However, she cautions, "You do want to be careful if that
exclusivity carries beyond than the bonding period or starts to
transform into something more."
Feelings of envy and jealousy are dangers to watch out for. "What
happens more often than not is that the father is envious while
the mother is breastfeeding," says Dr. Maslin. "He might
feel rejected."
She adds that the father can also be enamored of his new child and
if he is so absorbed, the mother might pull away from him.
To counter such negativity, Dr. Maslin suggests, "Each person
must reflect on his or her behavior and ask, 'Am I now solely focusing
on the child? Am I thinking of my partner?' That's important. Sex
is one way to monitor your relationship," she continues. "You
should measure against your past sexual behavior, not what others
say is normal."
How could a couple keep from drifting apart on a sexual level after
having a baby? Communication, self-awareness of one's actions during
this critical period, and consideration of the other's feelings
are crucial. "Be nice to one another," Dr. Maslin advises.
To jump start your sex life after birth, Dr. O'Reilly emphasizes
that there are ways other than intercourse to re-establish intimacy,
such as oral and manual stimulation.
"The couple should accept all the help they can get from
relatives and friends," she says, "so that they can have
a night off away from the baby to be totally with each other."
The husband might also want to find ways, whether through simple
gestures such as flowers or a romantic dinner date, to assure his
wife that she is as attractive to him as she was before birth.
Dr. O'Reilly and her husband, Keith, are new parents themselves
and can relate from first hand experience. Keith suggests not only
to be supportive but also to resume your sexual life as soon as
you're both ready.
"It makes both people feel better. The woman will find herself
attractive to her husband again, and the man will feel less guilty
about approaching his wife to make love," Keith suggests.
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