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Author Topic:   Initiating Sex

burbsian posted 06-23-2000 02:32 PM ET (US)
If I waited for my wife to initiate sex, it would be weeks, possibly months. I think a couple should have a contract in which they agree to have sex a mutually agreed upon number of times a month and that each partner will alternate initiating sex, so that it isn't one person (as it invariably is) who is the only aggressor. It prevents this subtle sense of guilt, manipulation, and insecurity that sometimes surrounds sex. What do y'all think? Is this a movement in the making?
franny posted 06-24-2000 12:50 AM ET (US)
Are we talking about a business transaction or a caring act intimately shared by two people who love each other? I think that any time you frame something as personal and powerful as sex into a "contract," it would cause resentment on one side or at the least, a couple of nights on the couch. It is an issue of control and it sounds like you are trying to manage it with a contract, which I believe is unnecessary because if you need a contract to have the sex life you want, it'll probably be eventually broken, whether by you or your wife. It is an intriguing concept, though. Good luck.
Suavedude_2000 posted 06-27-2000 02:52 PM ET (US)
Well, it would be nice if someone involved in a relationship was loving, caring, other-conscious, passionate, available, in the mood, responsible, pro-active, creative, spontaneous and fun whenever their partner wanted them to be. Unfortunately, the stress of life, work, schedules, family demands, etc., tends to take over and drain us of time and energy. Sex is considered a given - like it's always going to be there. That's why people stray. They find their sexual, romantic and adventurous life somewhere else besides home because home has become a drag.
Whether a formal agreement or schedule is helpful as a way to bring or keep sex in existence in one's relationship depends on the couple. If an agreement or schedule works, great! That's better than having no sex life or having one's relationship fall apart due to neglect.
burbsian posted 07-05-2000 09:33 AM ET (US)

I've changed my tune since my more strident suggestion that we have a "sex contract." I now suggest an "intimacy contract." I spoke yesterday to a friend of mine who is leaving her husband of two years. After they married, he essentially shut down emotionally. I contend that most of us shut down a bit from our spouse...out of laziness, insecurity, all the usual excuses that slowly turn a marriage into something drained of energy and fun.
The intimacy contract is a variation on the initial theme of spelling out times to have sex, only broadening it to spell out all aspects of intimacy, including sensuality, one on one conversation, basically all aspects of communication. Let's face it people are lazy. They need reminders.
Janice posted 07-08-2000 11:08 AM ET (US)
After much thinking about this topic, I have two answers yes and no. As my partner, Alexander, would say he wouldn't expect any other answer. I try to stay away from extreme judgements in mostly all cases however this one I believe is a true "yes/no". Here is my reasoning:
At first I thought that scheduling sex would be too awkward, formal and very regimented. And, unscheduled sex would be more fun, intimate and well...sexual.
Then, reality hit me. We are two people with self-inflicted crazy schedules and a new baby. If we do not schedule sex, will it occur?
And, if we have to schedule sex -- can't we frame it in another way to make it intimate. Ah, herein lies the challenge. Why can't we schedule an intimate night together, which we know will end up in sex? Why can't we schedule every Thurs. night or Wed. night as "Janice and Alex night” with a nice dinner and a little Tantric?
We love Tantric only because it is a really good way of ritualizing foreplay, such as getting naked and sitting in front of one another and just touching each other's face.
All of this is really hypothetical as I just gave birth 4 weeks ago and have two more weeks without sex (per the M.D.). We'll see how all this goes in a couple weeks. Wish us luck. :-)

cagirl_10017 posted 07-10-2000 05:27 PM ET (US)
Burbsian, what are you smoking? You are really out there. Getting your wife to initiate sex--or just getting it period--starts not with a contract but with your approach. While you are waiting for your wife to initiate sex, she is waiting for you to do something endearing. How often do you tell her she's beautiful or that she did something well? Or do helpful things without being asked. Emptying he dishwasher takes only two minutes! Try a new approach, then back off and let her make the move. And remember, one compliment and a good deed a day will keep the contract away.
Marthamouth posted 08-05-2000 04:25 PM ET (US)
scheduling sex? what are you crazy? It's like sneezing on cue - I really think men must think in a different language. Also, for all you men out there that insist that you initiate sex all the time - it wouldn't kill you to learn the meaning of the word "subtle"............or go find another partner that requires as much sex as you do.
Marthamouth posted 08-05-2000 04:25 PM ET (US)
scheduling sex? what are you crazy? It's like sneezing on cue - I really think men must think in a different language. Also, for all you men out there that insist that you initiate sex all the time - it wouldn't kill you to learn the meaning of the word "subtle"............or go find another partner that requires as much sex as you do.
Marthamouth posted 08-05-2000 04:26 PM ET (US)
scheduling sex? what are you crazy? It's like sneezing on cue - I really think men must think in a different language. Also, for all you men out there that insist that you initiate sex all the time - it wouldn't kill you to learn the meaning of the word "subtle"............or go find another partner that requires as much sex as you do.
gkeja posted 08-09-2000 03:32 PM ET (US)
you still can say: sorry honey but i just don't feel good tonight. it doesn't change anything. it'll just put more unnecessary pressure onto your sex life.

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Author	Topic: Initiating Sex
burbsian	posted 06-23-2000 02:32 PM ET (US) If I waited for my wife to initiate sex, it would be weeks, possibly months. I think a couple should have a contract in which they agree to have sex a mutually agreed upon number of times a month and that each partner will alternate initiating sex, so that it isn't one person (as it invariably is) who is the only aggressor. It prevents this subtle sense of guilt, manipulation, and insecurity that sometimes surrounds sex. What do y'all think? Is this a movement in the making?
franny	posted 06-24-2000 12:50 AM ET (US) Are we talking about a business transaction or a caring act intimately shared by two people who love each other? I think that any time you frame something as personal and powerful as sex into a "contract," it would cause resentment on one side or at the least, a couple of nights on the couch. It is an issue of control and it sounds like you are trying to manage it with a contract, which I believe is unnecessary because if you need a contract to have the sex life you want, it'll probably be eventually broken, whether by you or your wife. It is an intriguing concept, though. Good luck.
Suavedude_2000	posted 06-27-2000 02:52 PM ET (US) Well, it would be nice if someone involved in a relationship was loving, caring, other-conscious, passionate, available, in the mood, responsible, pro-active, creative, spontaneous and fun whenever their partner wanted them to be. Unfortunately, the stress of life, work, schedules, family demands, etc., tends to take over and drain us of time and energy. Sex is considered a given - like it's always going to be there. That's why people stray. They find their sexual, romantic and adventurous life somewhere else besides home because home has become a drag. Whether a formal agreement or schedule is helpful as a way to bring or keep sex in existence in one's relationship depends on the couple. If an agreement or schedule works, great! That's better than having no sex life or having one's relationship fall apart due to neglect.
burbsian	posted 07-05-2000 09:33 AM ET (US) I've changed my tune since my more strident suggestion that we have a "sex contract." I now suggest an "intimacy contract." I spoke yesterday to a friend of mine who is leaving her husband of two years. After they married, he essentially shut down emotionally. I contend that most of us shut down a bit from our spouse...out of laziness, insecurity, all the usual excuses that slowly turn a marriage into something drained of energy and fun. The intimacy contract is a variation on the initial theme of spelling out times to have sex, only broadening it to spell out all aspects of intimacy, including sensuality, one on one conversation, basically all aspects of communication. Let's face it people are lazy. They need reminders.
Janice	posted 07-08-2000 11:08 AM ET (US) After much thinking about this topic, I have two answers yes and no. As my partner, Alexander, would say he wouldn't expect any other answer. I try to stay away from extreme judgements in mostly all cases however this one I believe is a true "yes/no". Here is my reasoning: At first I thought that scheduling sex would be too awkward, formal and very regimented. And, unscheduled sex would be more fun, intimate and well...sexual. Then, reality hit me. We are two people with self-inflicted crazy schedules and a new baby. If we do not schedule sex, will it occur? And, if we have to schedule sex -- can't we frame it in another way to make it intimate. Ah, herein lies the challenge. Why can't we schedule an intimate night together, which we know will end up in sex? Why can't we schedule every Thurs. night or Wed. night as "Janice and Alex night” with a nice dinner and a little Tantric? We love Tantric only because it is a really good way of ritualizing foreplay, such as getting naked and sitting in front of one another and just touching each other's face. All of this is really hypothetical as I just gave birth 4 weeks ago and have two more weeks without sex (per the M.D.). We'll see how all this goes in a couple weeks. Wish us luck. :-)
cagirl_10017	posted 07-10-2000 05:27 PM ET (US) Burbsian, what are you smoking? You are really out there. Getting your wife to initiate sex--or just getting it period--starts not with a contract but with your approach. While you are waiting for your wife to initiate sex, she is waiting for you to do something endearing. How often do you tell her she's beautiful or that she did something well? Or do helpful things without being asked. Emptying he dishwasher takes only two minutes! Try a new approach, then back off and let her make the move. And remember, one compliment and a good deed a day will keep the contract away.
Marthamouth	posted 08-05-2000 04:25 PM ET (US) scheduling sex? what are you crazy? It's like sneezing on cue - I really think men must think in a different language. Also, for all you men out there that insist that you initiate sex all the time - it wouldn't kill you to learn the meaning of the word "subtle"............or go find another partner that requires as much sex as you do.
Marthamouth	posted 08-05-2000 04:25 PM ET (US) scheduling sex? what are you crazy? It's like sneezing on cue - I really think men must think in a different language. Also, for all you men out there that insist that you initiate sex all the time - it wouldn't kill you to learn the meaning of the word "subtle"............or go find another partner that requires as much sex as you do.
Marthamouth	posted 08-05-2000 04:26 PM ET (US) scheduling sex? what are you crazy? It's like sneezing on cue - I really think men must think in a different language. Also, for all you men out there that insist that you initiate sex all the time - it wouldn't kill you to learn the meaning of the word "subtle"............or go find another partner that requires as much sex as you do.
gkeja	posted 08-09-2000 03:32 PM ET (US) you still can say: sorry honey but i just don't feel good tonight. it doesn't change anything. it'll just put more unnecessary pressure onto your sex life.