Glossary of Selected Terms for Singles

Attraction Venues: Places to meet the kind of people you want to meet, e.g. settings in which you share a strong interest such as ski clubs, bike clubs, yoga classes etc. In public places like supermarkets and generic singles settings (bars, singles clubs) it is also possible to find your Life Partner, but less likely.

Committed Relationship: Choosing to close all doors and exits and stay in the relationship through bad times as well as good. Problems are solved or lived with, and are not reasons for leaving the relationship. Benefit is security, family, companionship, achieving long-term goals, ability to deepen learning, intimacy and love over time in ways unique to a long-term committed relationship. Many challenging problems are solved in a relationship only with commitment and perseverance. Breaking up a committed relationship should be an absolute last resort (especially when children are involved) as this choice is typically extremely costly and creates as many problems as it solves. For this reason, a committed relationship should not be entered into before having clarity about who you are, what you want, and having the knowledge and experience that this relationship is right for you.

Dating: The process of socializing and spending time with a variety of people for the purpose of having fun. The practice of dating one person at a time for the purpose of testing if a relationship would work we refer to as "serial monogamy" or the "mini-marriage". Typically, the sole criterion for dating someone is that they are attractive and willing. The difference for someone who is ready for a committed relationship and seeking their Life Partner is that they will consciously sort and screen prospects until they find a high-likelihood candidate, then enter a "pre-committed" relationship.

Life Partnership: A long-term, committed relationship, with full intention of being together for the rest of your lives. Both parties are fully committed to the relationship by choice and dissolving the partnership is not considered an option, except as an absolute last resort after much time and good faith effort. A decision to enter into a Life Partnership is best made with the utmost self-awareness and conscious commitment.

Life Purpose: Practicing your highest values, which give your life meaning and direction. The difference you want to make while you are alive and the legacy you want to leave behind when you are gone.

Needs: Events that must occur in your relationship for you to be content or happy. An unmet need will result in an "issue," and must be addressed for you to successfully function in the relationship. Needs are persistent over time. There are usually many ways to meet a need.

Pre-commitment: An exclusive relationship with the goal of determining if this relationship is a good long-term choice. Making a good long-term relationship choice requires clarity about who you are and what you want, and experiencing that you can get what you really want in this relationship.

Requirements: Non-negotiable events and qualities required for a relationship to work for you. If one is missing, the relationship will not work and you end up with an unsolvable problem.

Scouting: Identifying people you would like to meet, on your own, or with the assistance of your support system.

Screening: The process of learning enough about a potential partner before entering a relationship to determine whether they align with your Requirements.

Sorting: The process of quickly determining if a person you meet aligns enough with your Requirements to engage the screening process and getting to know them better.

Testing: The process of testing the information you have for experience and knowledge that a relationship works for you.

Unsolvable Problems: Requirements or Needs that cannot be met in this relationship. Four alternatives for coping with an unsolvable problem:

1. Live with it
2. Let go of the relationship (common)
3. Let go of the Requirement or Need (rare)
4. Compromise, when you give up part of what is important to you to meet in the middle (possible, but usually results in unhappiness without outside assistance). Unsolvable problems are the most common reason for relationship failure.

Vision: Inner images about the future life that you really want. Acts as your "inner guidance system" driving you toward certain choices and away from other choices. The word inspires the "iceberg" metaphor because most of your Vision is beneath the surface waiting to be discovered.